Penn Hills, Pennsylvania– It’s typical for national political campaigns to be hard on candidates’ families, but Rick Santorum’s six children, all of whom are currently in school and have been smeared by the negative associations with the Santorum name, have reached a unanimous decision: their father should end his runs for President. Late last night, the Santorum children held an intervention in which they entreated their father to plug up the campaign.
“That revolting neologism was on its way down the drain,” said Santorum’s 19-year-old son, John. “I was so glad to be rid of all the ‘frothy mixture’ jokes. I thought it was all washed up. Now, Dad sneaks back out and does this. How in the fuck is a college student supposed to get laid with that association to his name?”
Santorum’s presidential run has been difficult not only for the candidate’s own children, but for the 2,319 American schoolchildren sharing that surname, which, before Santorum’s political career, held no sexual connotation. The candidate’s humiliating defeat in 2006 at the hands of Bob Casey, Jr. afforded these children a reprieve from surname-derived harassment, but one that was unfortunately short-lived. According to the American Bullying Institute, students with the afflicted surname have been the butt of 135 percent more jokes since the 2011 resurgence of Santorum’s political campaign.
Asked for comment, Rick Santorum expressed faith that his children would overcome the harassment, which he expected to “dry out overnight”. In a press conference he said, on the matter, “They’re tough little buggers.”
Not all in the family have been upset by the negative attention given to Rick Santorum’s name. Elizabeth, the candidate’s 20-year-old daughter, said, “The bright side of this ‘Santorum’ muckraking is that it distracts people from what a fascistic, mean-spirited, uncultured, stupid and downright-fucking-insane bigot he is.”