Realistic LinkedIn “Poetry”… the 99%-er Edition

I seem to have missed the LinkedIn Career Poetry that’s apparently a thing. See, I spent 2017 actually working– I have a full-time job, and I’m revising Farisa’s Crossing— and so, sadly, I had little time to pretend to be awesome on a website full of white-collar oversharers.

Apparently, this execrable new genre tends to feature a Zero’s Journey with the following sort of cadence:

I was homeless.

I was fired yesterday.

I was walking home.

I took an Uber.

Someone stopped me on the street.

My boss told me not to take a chance on anyone over 50, but I hired him anyway.

It was Elon Musk.

(Follow-up: he looked at my profile, saw that I was a state school grad, and told me to go fuck myself. We had shared the Uber; I paid.)

Only in San Francisco is a person homeless immediately after joblessness (n.b. “fired yesterday”). In any other city, it takes a while for a person’s life to go to shit. Also, how does one walk “home”, and why is one taking an Uber, if homeless? But, I digress.

Okay, you soppy fucks, now here’s some career poetry for the 99%. I shall master this genre, in order to kill it.

A “performance” plan?
Set up to fail; two weeks hence,
I cleaned out my desk.

 

No jobs, for it was,
they said, Series A winter.
“Your CV’s on file.”

 

I couldn’t afford
to keep my health insurance;
I’m now shitting blood.

 

No SSRIs
can beat this bleak Depression.
“Recession,” I mean.

 

Don’t live in Musk’s ‘hood;
Can’t get no EIR job.
I’m still shitting blood.
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3 thoughts on “Realistic LinkedIn “Poetry”… the 99%-er Edition

  1. Like:

    “I cannot go to school today,”
    Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
    “I have the measles and the mumps,
    A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
    I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
    I’m sure that my left leg is broke–
    My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
    I hardly whisper when I speak.
    What’s that? What’s that you say?
    You say today is. . .Saturday?
    G’bye, I’m going out to play!”

    Source: https://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/sick-by-shel-silverstein

  2. In any other OECD country in the top 20 of the GDP per capita, health insurance would not be an issue. However, in the land of liberty and freedom, it is. Are we sure the U.S.A is even a developed country?

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