I seem to have missed the LinkedIn Career Poetry that’s apparently a thing. See, I spent 2017 actually working– I have a full-time job, and I’m revising Farisa’s Crossing— and so, sadly, I had little time to pretend to be awesome on a website full of white-collar oversharers.
Apparently, this execrable new genre tends to feature a Zero’s Journey with the following sort of cadence:
I was homeless.
I was fired yesterday.
I was walking home.
I took an Uber.
Someone stopped me on the street.
My boss told me not to take a chance on anyone over 50, but I hired him anyway.
It was Elon Musk.
(Follow-up: he looked at my profile, saw that I was a state school grad, and told me to go fuck myself. We had shared the Uber; I paid.)
Only in San Francisco is a person homeless immediately after joblessness (n.b. “fired yesterday”). In any other city, it takes a while for a person’s life to go to shit. Also, how does one walk “home”, and why is one taking an Uber, if homeless? But, I digress.
Okay, you soppy fucks, now here’s some career poetry for the 99%. I shall master this genre, in order to kill it.
A “performance” plan?Set up to fail; two weeks hence,I cleaned out my desk.
No jobs, for it was,they said, Series A winter.“Your CV’s on file.”
I couldn’t affordto keep my health insurance;I’m now shitting blood.
No SSRIscan beat this bleak Depression.“Recession,” I mean.
Don’t live in Musk’s ‘hood;Can’t get no EIR job.I’m still shitting blood.