What Happened (Oct. 17, 2017 Edition)

I was a big-name tech blogger who, one day in February 2016, just up-and-quit. From 4000 views per day, I went to zero.

Well, I didn’t plan it exactly that way. There are more details, and they’ll come.

To be frank, I’m burned out on trying to fix the tech industry. I no longer care to evangelize open allocation or Haskell. Why? Times change, people change, I’ve gotten older, bad faith fades and good faiths are born. Haskell is still an excellent language, and open allocation is still better than closed allocation, but… quite honestly, at 34 years old I’ve used up about 45 percent of my life, and I’m not keen on trying (and failing) to protect an industry from its own worst (and entrenched, powerful) elements. I am much smarter than the people calling important shots in the tech industry– that’s just an objective fact, and I’m too old to shy away from it for the sake of social acceptability– but I’ve long since given up on convincing them of it. Technology is rotten because venture capital is rotten, and that’s rotten because American business culture is rotten, because global business culture is rotten… and we will probably have significant and worldwide social upset before it is fixed. I hope to be far away from the hot fight when that happens. I fought, and I lost. I did my part, I suffered, and I’m done with that shit.

The most important thing to me right now is getting Farisa’s Crossing out on time, and making it the best damn book it can be.

It’s been a few years, so I can give an objective account of some things that have happened. If not maturity, at least I have emotional distance.

I worked at Google in 2011. My manager was so bad that the company apologized for his conduct. Related to the fallout, and probably not Google’s fault, I was placed on (and later removed, but too late) a Silicon Valley unionist blacklist and had significant job search difficulties (for which I’ve collected settlements, but far from enough) due to that.

Being on the “suspected unionist” list put large tech companies out of consideration for some time; I ended up working, in the mid-2010s, for some very unethical companies. At one, I was offered a promotion (to the job title I was promised on hire) if I signed a stack of performance reviews, some of which pertained to people who left before I arrived. When I refused to do so, I was fired. That was just the beginning of the absurdity that that stupid company brought in to my life.

I discovered in the mid-2010s that my account on Hacker News was “moderated” because I wrote a blog post in 2013 that Paul Graham thought was about him (it wasn’t). The result of this moderation was that my comments fell to the bottom of the page, as if they had received no upvotes. When I pointed this out to their moderator, he corrected it, but a Y Combinator “downvote brigade” began hitting my posts soon after they landed.

In August 2015, I was banned from Hacker News on false pretenses. The moderator edited my comment in order to make a misleading account of what happened. Then, in September 2015, I was banned from Quora, also on false pretenses. Y Combinator, which owns Hacker News, is also an investor in Quora.

Among adults, website drama would be a non-issue, but it actually prevented me from getting hired in certain places. Why? Because tech is full of risk-averse pansies with no backbone or character, who shrink from any hint of controversy. Bullshit website drama actually matters in the tech industry. Nowhere else. Techies need to grow the fuck up. I did.

In early 2016, I started receiving death threats. Those weren’t new. In fact, I was attacked by a homeless person who’d been sent by a prominent venture capitalist. That episode was more laughable for the sheer incompetence involved than it was upsetting. It certainly wasn’t frightening. I had, after all, said on the Internet that it might not be the worst thing in the world for Silicon Valley programmers to unionize. I pointed out that the rotten cultures that seem to recur in venture-funded startups might be the fault of the investor themselves. You don’t say things like this and not put yourself at physical risk, because the manchild oligarchy of Sand Hill Road is vindictive. When the death threats started hitting other people close to me, that’s when I shut down. I probably panicked more than I needed to. On February 2, 2016, I intended to revert every blog post to “Draft” (unpublished) status. WordPress did not have this feature, so I moved them to “Trash” with the intention of reviewing and republishing the most valuable ones. However, WordPress deletes posts in “Trash” after a while, and many were lost for good. I’m fine with that. They’re available on the Wayback Machine.

I’ve pulled away from other forms of social media. I nuked my Twitter account. (In part, this was in protest of Trump’s victory and Twitter’s role in it.) I realized that it wasn’t healthy for my mammalian brain to be addicted to social microapprovals. I had a legit trolling addiction in the 2000s; I know how much time can be lost forever in that black hole. Killing all this social media engagement was one of the best things I did. I became able to read books again at normal speeds, without checking my phone. I became a better writer because of the above. My concentration returned.

Of course, now that I’m writing a book, I may need that “author platform” back. We’ll see. I may even go back on Twitter. Tech drama, though? I’m done with it. I know for a fact that I’d get a much larger advance for a tech memoir than for my novel (guaranteed mid-six+ versus I-have-no-idea) but I just don’t want to write about that shit. I don’t fucking care. The tech industry can burn to the ground and I’ll toast marshmallows over the fire.

I suppose I owe the rest of the story. What was I up to between March 2016 and now?

There was a moment when I realized that I’m just Done with so many things. I’ll work for startups, if the terms are good, but I have no delusions about wanting to be a founder. When you become a boss, you can be a force for good, or you can become the worst thing in another person’s life. If you’re the CEO and you create a rotten culture, you can become (indirectly, since they’ll blame the middle managers) the worst thing in 500 peoples’ lives. If you’re the CEO and try to create a good culture… well, you’ll probably not be able to raise VC, and they’ll probably fund your competitors and crush you. No thanks, for any of that. It’s not for me. There’s a reason why Silicon Valley is run by psychopaths and blame goes straight to the top.

About three years ago, I did a bit of consulting for a trucking company that involved performance management software. One of the objectives was to catch city drivers who were eating off-route (costing full cents in gas) in order to eat with their families or get cheaper lunches. When you do that kind of work, you’re basically licking Satan’s taint. It’s full-on Spreadsheet Eichmann shit. When I realized what the job was, I quit and I never billed a cent. See, most software people would write that code. They don’t care that they’re writing employee surveillance tools that ruin lives. Which is why I don’t care if the whole industry collapses in fiery wreckage. It is amoral, it is disgusting, it deserves its own demise. (I also don’t care about the comma splice that just happened, fuck it, have another one.)

What is our main product, in private-sector software engineering? Well, very few of us are curing cancer, or exploring, or even making it easier for authors to bring joy to their readers. No, most of us are helping businessmen unemploy people. Fuck that till it dies.

In April 2016, I applied for a job with the federal government. I was very excited about this opportunity, and more than willing to take a 50% pay cut in order to work on something that actually mattered. I got a conditional job offer; one of those conditions was funding for the position (a research position, one that would likely encourage a return to graduate school, at least part-time). Then Trump happened and there were funding issues, so that didn’t pan out, at least not yet.

I owe Trump a little treatment, since I never publicly commented, at least not here, about how that election affected me. It doesn’t matter. He’s the President now. I’m a patriot; I want what is best for the country, which means that I don’t want him to go down in flames if that’s going to hurt the country as well. I don’t want him to be re-elected, but I don’t want him to fail so bad that it hurts all of us.

I’ll say one thing: I fucking hate the media, even still. Not because “they elected Trump”; that wasn’t their intention. They were just really fucking stupid and got it wrong. I remember all the complaints about “this terrible election cycle” in 2016, which created a false equivalency between (A) an average-plus, smart, liberal politician who (because of our sexist society) got smeared with the sins of her sleazy husband (who still wasn’t a bad president) and (B) a racist, misogynist psychopath who ran against 30+ years of damage done by Boomers, bullies, and businessmen despite being all fucking three. “This demoralizing election.” Yeah, it’s so fucking demoralizing that you have the right and responsibility to choose your leaders, you fucking spoiled shit. Tell that to women in Saudi Arabia, how much you hated having to “hold your nose” and vote for a candidate. Stop creating a false equivalency by blaming “this terrible election season” when the problem wasn’t the above-average politician running an issue-based campaign, but the IRL troll who set everything on fire and sucked up all the oxygen.

What do I want from Trump? I want him to realize that he’s cornered, that he’s probably going to jail without any other exit, and self-pardon. Why? The self-pardon is the perfect solution. He’ll have to resign. The country doesn’t gain anything from an old man spending his last years in jail. But, if he becomes the first President in history to self-pardon, he humiliates the fuck out of plutocracy for the next hundred years. There’s a good thing about Trump; he’s exposing the American business elite for what it is. The Silicon Valley boys are the same as him, but better at hiding it. What do I want? For Trump to poison us against billionaires– to show us the true character of our business elite, so clearly that we fucking learn it this time– so we don’t elect some Silicon Valley asshole who can actually pull fascism off.

That’s my 2016 rant. I wanted to go back to research, possibly get a PhD in computer science, and have a life of purpose rather than chasing dollars. And I still do, and I’m still working toward that. Corporate technology is 97% corporate and 3% technology, and life is too finite for that “corporate” aspect.

What about 2017? Well, we and North Korea haven’t obliterated each other. That’s good.

Something happened in late March 2017 that I’m not ready to talk about, but it was disturbing and I started writing. At first, I was going to do a non-fiction book, Technopathy, which I later renamed Techxicity. It would complete that trinity of 2010s tech tell-alls: Disrupted, Chaos Monkeys… then my book. Yet I got to 30,000 words and had a moment of realization: this book will change nothing. It will get buzz and it will make some ex-managers (names changed but recognizable) look bad and put a massive black eye on the tech industry, but who cares? The tech industry is already a black eye on the country. Do we need a second-order black eye? What would that even look like? A white eye? Wouldn’t that just be “an eye”?

Realizing that I didn’t care enough about the tech industry to go through with Techxicity (or the Silicon Valley novel I attempted) I decided to write the book that I’ve fucking wanted to write for a long time, the one I attempted several times (2013, 2014, 2016) but had never quite “got”, the one where the female mage (Farisa) is the protagonist. It evolved several times in my mind between 2013 and 2016, from a sword-and-sorcery story to something more epic–with literary aspirations, because literary fiction is mostly what I read, and because I’m not afraid to do 10+ editing passes to make the prose and story great. (I don’t do that for blog posts; it’s not economical.) I was between jobs and my wife was out of town. I sat down on March 30 and I started fucking writing. I didn’t finish till April 7, when I had 134,159 words. Apparently, 14,906 words in a day is a lot. (I asked a couple writer friends.) It’s not sustainable; I’ll say that off the bat. It also left me too depleted to edit properly. While the quality of what I sent to first-round beta readers (after one revision pass, which was not enough) was decent, it’s not what it could have been. What I’m sending my second-round betas is much better.

On April 8, I had… a solid first draft. That surprised me. Till that point, I didn’t really think I’d have a novel in me till age 45 or so, but this zero-to-one thing happened and suddenly I had an awesome central character, an intriguing setting, a twisty and interesting plot… and several months of revision (still in progress) to fix errors, amplify themes, remove scenes that went nowhere, and polish language. Ninety percent of the book I’ve rewritten or will rewrite, but that zero-to-one transition was critical in proving to me what I could do. It also gave me motivation to study the novel (the form, not a particular book) in depth, as well as language, because I was now studying something I had done imperfectly rather than something I “might do someday”.

Now, it’s October 17, 2017. My spreadsheet predicts that I’ll be done with Farisa’s Crossing (including beta-reader feedback, multiple revision passes, self-editing and professional editing at the line and copy level) by June 2018.

How am I? I’m doing… okay. Still banned from Quora, which is a good thing I suppose; it liberated time, and once my book is out, I’ll get to sue the fuck out of those punks for lost sales (“de-platform” at your own risk, bitch). Job-wise, I like where I am right now; I still plan to be out of Corporate within five years. Do I love the technology industry? No, it’s unlovable. Do I enjoy computer science and mathematics? I do, though as I get older, I enjoy language and story-building just as much. I used to read about compilers in the evenings; now I’m more likely to read novels or books on story structure. So we evolve, so life goes.

My long-term outlook remains positive. Trump (the man who grabbed America by the pussy) will go out of office and someone will replace him. Frankly, I’d rather have Trump try fascism and, due to his narcissism and possible senility, fail; than have a Silicon Valley founder try it and succeed. Also, while the technology industry is nukular buttfail, technology is just too important for the world to let a manchild oligarchy on Sand Hill Road manage it. Technology itself will survive, in some form, probably better than what exists now. History has its own force and, while uneven, it trends to the good. Things will get better– at some point. Probably. But it is a necessary element of maturity to recognize the limits to what one person can do.

On that note, I better go smack some words together.

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32 thoughts on “What Happened (Oct. 17, 2017 Edition)

  1. I see that you are still an optimist. Oh well.. time will fix that and you will come to have an outlook closer to mine. Or maybe not? Only time will tell.

  2. You expect yourself to live 75 years. That’s not long enough. You can expect to live 95 years if you do exercise, eat and sleep well, and don’t fuck up.

    It’s good to hear that you quit social media. Keep up with deep work.

    • I could live 75 years; I could live 95; I could die tomorrow. It’s hard to say.

      All four of my grandparents made it past 80, and my father runs marathons at 65, but my mother died of lung cancer at 59. So… who knows?

      Working in tech, I would guess, took 5-10 years off my life. It’s not that it’s stressful. There’s good and bad stress. Writing a novel at 5:00 in the morning, that’s good stress. Working in an open-plan office is pointless, simmering dread stress that isn’t quite terror but never goes away, either. I don’t expect to get back the years (or the sense of hope) that I once had.

      • >> Working in an open-plan office is pointless, simmering dread stress that isn’t quite terror but never goes away, either. I don’t expect to get back the years (or the sense of hope) that I once had.

        That sense of hope was wildly exaggerated, as are the rumors about your demise from it (“The reports of my demise are greatly exaggerated” 😉 You’ve still got 35-40 years, enough to change the world and live through it. Just gotta choose right.

    • >> and don’t fuck up.

      That’s oftentimes not something you control. Nobody wants to fuckup and also everyone thinks “it’s not gonna happen to me”, but statistics don’t care who you are.

      Or you may take extra precautions and do things like that guy who always carried a bomb in his suitcase when travelling by plane.. because what’s the probability of having *two* bombs in the same plane?!

  3. I liked you until I discovered that you were a liberal asshole that just *had* to inject politics into the mix. Like liberals inject politics and race into everything. Can’t wait until I see how you accomplish the race angle. And, yes, I survived your president so you will survive mine. Suck it up and stop whining and crying like a baby.

    • Obama is “my president” and Trump is “yours”? I don’t see it in those terms. Obama was *a* president, and I voted for him, and I think he did a decent job, but it’s not like I know the guy.

      I figured there’d be a Republican president this cycle. My issue with Trump isn’t left versus right; in fact, he’s closer to the center than the other Republican candidates were. It’s the anti-intellectualism, the racist pandering, and the misogyny. It really is a character issue this time.

    • >> I liked you until I discovered that you were a liberal asshole that just *had* to inject politics into the mix.

      Bothered me too but I’ve come to (mostly) accept this (liberal) part of the guy, hopefully he’ll grow out of it like he grew out of his delusions about tech industry. He himself acknowledges that there are worse alternatives to Trump. And the only way to control the bad guys is unfortunately to be one of them. Michael can take a retroactive look over the success status of his honest bottom feeder efforts to change the world.

      • I see myself as more of a “leftist conservative”, which sounds like a contradiction in terms, but it’s not.

        I’m liberal on gay rights, transgender rights, etc. (If God had such a problem with it, then why did he make people gay, and why are people born intersex?) But I’m mostly a traditionalist. I think that the nuclear family works and is a good thing. Polyamory may work for a few, but most people (including gays) want monogamous relationships and lifelong pair bonds. That’s what works for 95%…. and I find the Hollywood attitude toward acquisitive casual sex to be repugnant.

        I say that I’m “conservative” because, by and large, the economic picture of the 1950s-70s is what we need to get back to: strong middle class, high research investment, 5-6% GDP growth, lower-stress jobs and short working hours so parents can spend time with their kids instead of having nannies raise them. We’ve made progress on gay rights and race relations (although not enough) but the economic changes (which have been a rightward lurch) of the past 35 years have been a functional and moral catastrophe.

        I can’t identify with what passes for “conservative” in the US– the self-righteousness, the mean-spirited attitude toward the less fortunate, the absurd denial of serious ecological threats like man-made climate change– but I’m a lot more traditional than you’d expect from a leftist. Like conservatives, I generally feel that we live in depraved and fallen times, and that we need to fix ourselves quickly or we’re headed for a catastrophe.

        • >> I see myself as more of a “leftist conservative”, which sounds like a contradiction in terms, but it’s not.

          No contradiction, this site actually devised a test for your political orientation: https://www.politicalcompass.org/
          This image here shows how they map things: https://www.ihatethemedia.com/wp-content/uploads/political-compass-chart-e1301051195837.jpg
          You’re likely in the Ghandi quadrant, good guy from an ethical and moral stance but an economic and realpolitik disaster.
          Last time I’ve done the test, I fell in the Friedman quadrant, what I’m saying is not all “right” (conservatives) are authoritarian moral cesspools, even if they don’t share the same economic views with the “left”. And conversely.

          • Quick observation on the sorry ass state of this world. Thousands if not tens of thousands have heard of the guy (Michael, that is) and by pure statistics, there are a few executives among them. Not to count useless cunts (a.k.a middle managers) and scum of this Earth, the grunts.

            And none of you have even offered this guy a job. Executives are burning tens of thousands of poor souls into making their next forgettable ad server before next fool moon or else but can’t find a single lousy job for this guy.

            Piss on you and your souls motherfuckers. You deserve to burn.

            • I have a job. I’m not on the market.

              But yes, the way that 90+ percent of the tech community turned its back on me has not gone unnoticed.

              Thing is, I’m a writer and I’m pretty fucking good at it. I doubt this blog’ll live 250 years, but I’ve already contributed to Silicon Valley’s loss of its reputation, and there’s a nonzero chance that I’ll get the final historical say on what these people were.

              That’ll be enough revenge.

              Granted, I haven’t done one thousandth as much damage to the image of this generation’s tech barons as they have done to themselves.

    • Less of a danger in terms of self-assertion (we don’t really know what consciousness is) than in terms of intentional weaponization by humans.

      For the next 50 years, we have more to worry about from how people in power use technology than from any risk of technology becoming sentient.

  4. You said you could get a six-figure advance on a tech-industry tell-all. Could you use that to get into publishing, then have a platform for your novel?

    • Bad idea. Here’s why. It’s not that hard to get into publishing– if you’re willing to take bad terms, almost anyone can get in given enough time– but once you’re in, it’s hard to change tack or brand. Agents and editors who do non-fiction rarely do epic fantasy novels.

      Also, there’s a risk of a drop in sales which, similar to a venture-capital “down round”, can be bad for optics. If your tech tell-all sells 250,000 copies, and then your epic fantasy novel sells 15,000– there’s not a lot of crossover; how often do you read a business book and then say, “I want to read this guy’s novel”?– then even though the latter number is objectively adequate for a first novel, it looks bad.

      A tech tell-all would probably net me $300-500k after agent fees, taxes, et al… and that number would be huge for fiction, but it would also make me unemployable in the industry. Meanwhile, though it would be an outlier success to see any number like that on a first novel, I’m probably not going to torch my career in writing it. The cash payout is lower, but the subjective rewards are higher and the career risk is a lot smaller.

  5. “What do I want from Trump? I want him to realize that he’s cornered, that he’s probably going to jail without any other exit, and self-pardon.”

    Who is he cornered by? Why are you so sure that he’s going to jail?

    You just pointed out correctly how much the media got wrong last year. Why not just be a little bit skeptical about every salacious headline concerning Trump, Mueller, Russia, etc?

  6. Overall that sounds quite good. Negativity and the toxic tech sector are best avoided as far as you can (also: sueing Quora – not sure if that’s a good idea). So keep up the courage and good spirits.

    Can’t wait for Farisa’s Crossing. If you need more beta readers, try me.

  7. I’ve been following this blog siltenly for a really long time now. This is by far one of the most honest and readable posts you’ve ever written (I know, not very nuanced feedback). I just had to say that “out loud”. Can’t wait to pick up your book once its ready. Don’t try me for beta reading though, I’m way to honest in my criticism for most authors.

    • “Don’t try me for beta reading though, I’m way to honest in my criticism for most authors.”

      That’s what I need. Trust me; I can take it.

      What I need from beta readers is not to be told what the book is on a terrible-to-amazing continuum; I need to know what needs to be done to improve it and get it as close to the local maximum the concept defines as possible. (There is no absolute maximum; no book can be everyone’s favorite.) Whether that person thinks his suggestions are taking me from 3 to 5 or from 7 to 9 is irrelevant.

  8. Wow. Being a little bored yesterday at work, I decided to go through all of the blogs I’ve subscribed to but rarely actually check anymore. I don’t recall what led me here in the first place, probably a post that got picked up either by CodeProject or Ars Technica but after reading this post I had to go back and read many more. Wow. Incredibly interesting stuff and a fantastic view into parts of the tech industry most of us are lucky never to have to be involved in in flyover land.

    Can’t wait to read the book.

  9. You’re not on a blacklist. I hope you realize it and are just trolling. You’re just really good at demonstrating that you’re not able to work with people. Partially because you think somehow you have an answer no one else ever thought up, and partially because you seem to not believe that the job is 99% collaboration and communication; the part you set out to disrupt. When sites ban you it’s because you randomly rail on some fantastical misunderstood genius notion.

  10. MOC, I am wondering what you think about a business that, although generating profit and growth, can’t get funding from VC’s. Every meeting we have had with VC’s has gone badly, because invariably they come up with some excuse – your numbers can’t be real, your tech can’t be good, you have the wrong background, wrong age, you’re too “intellectual” – you name it. One of the rare occasions that I’ve seen genuine racism was from VC’s. It is very clear that VC’s just aren’t capable of understanding how we became successful, in a cognitive sense – the thoughts just can’t happen in their heads. They are, after all, 3rd tier MBA students. So we’ve just decided to quit wasting time courting VC’s and grow the business organically, which it is already doing. We’re going to be breaking 1 mil in about a month. My question is this – once VC’s realize our success, they are probably going to dump money into our competitors to bring us down. We’ve insulted them in the worst possible way, by succeeding when they said we would fail. How do we deal with this?

    • That’s a great question. And, I don’t know the answer. I don’t know your business. So let me just give what is at best an educated stab into the dark.

      I doubt the VCs will feel insulted. They rejected you, after all. I rag on VCs for their pernicious effect on the economy, and I hate Y Combinator… but venture capitalists aren’t actually all evil or vindictive. The Paul Buchheit level psychopaths are out there, but not all VCs are like that.

      I’d have to know more about your business and industry, but my instinct would be to focus on customer relationships– to make sure your customers see you as willing to go the extra mile, to establish bilateral loyalty– and get yourself to a point where you can survive competition, because if you’re doing anything worth doing, there *will* be competition at some point.

      VCs are limited in what they can do. They can throw money at a company, they can drum up press, and they can create 100-person companies that didn’t exist two years ago… but what they can’t do (or don’t seem to do) is create *excellent* companies. They’re in the business of throwing shit at the wall and seeing what sticks.

      I’d imagine the VCs have a short memory. They probably aren’t going to resent your success. They might not remember rejecting you. Most of them aren’t vindictive little children like the Y Combinator people (a notable exception). They won’t enter your space to bring you down; they’ll enter your space if they see money in it. But that’s how business works; if there’s something good there, there will be competition.

      I’d only be afraid of them if you’re in a business that’s winner-take-all (e.g., Facebook) and rewards fast execution over getting it right. In that case, you may want to raise VC again– after getting customers, profits, and a serious head start. In business, things go to people who need them least, and it seems like you’ve done a good job of not needing the VCs.

      • “In business, things go to people who need them least” … epic quote. We’re not in a winner-take-all business. Our model is basically b2b, but we try and facilitate business-customer interaction – so we have to know our customers backwards and forwards, and aim at providing the best service we can. Also, we’re fantastic designers, and the customers really, really respond to that. We’ve even become local celebrities in the news.

        But we learned rather quickly that all VC’s seem to want is this grow-fast long-tail kiddie-van pedo-unicorn Neverland bullshit.

        Plus, on the one occasion that a VC was interested in us, the terms they offered were ridiculous – they wanted to rape the cap table and propose a complete re-rigging of upper management with MBA muscle-heads who have never had to talk to a customer in their lives. Seriously, I am astounded by the sheer arrogance of these people, who have never had to sell a thing in their lives, claiming to know the market better than we do.

        And so, rationally, we just decided to deal with them the way one should deal with all toxic people – by having as little to do with them as possible. But on the off chance that we do run into VC’s at conferences etc., and they learn we’re a real business, we still get a distinct whiff of hostility from them.

        • If equity capital is too expensive, have you tried old-fashioned banks, i.e. credit? Assuming you have steady growth and are profitable, the risk to them should be fine.

          Also, not all companies are crazy startups. Off the top of my head, organically grown companies are Atlassian or 37signals / Basecamp. I think the founders also dabble in VC sometimes, so maybe you can try to talk to them.

  11. Pingback: Bottom of the 4th. Or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Revision. – Michael O. Church

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